Trigger Warning: Mentions self-harm and suicidal thoughts.
Disclaimer: Grammatical errors are intentional and written exactly as it is in my journal.
This is a collection of very vulnerable experiences I’ve had within my own mind and body. It’s not meant to make complete sense, as life is full of confusion, but instead it’s meant to show a small part of the reality of mental illness; in my case, Bipolar 2 disorder. The journal excerpts you are about to read come from some of the most confusing months of my life. I wrote them as they were written in my journal, grammatically incorrect and speaking to an invisible audience. If you are a person who is struggling, please reach out for help and know that you are loved and worthy…
October 9, 2020
Things I am grateful for:
October 12, 2020
I want to live in a world where I don’t feel fragile. A world where I don’t have to rely on other people to bring me fulfilment. I want to live in a world where I don’t switch based on the words or actions of other people. This is why I’ve been fearful of relationships… friendships… why I’m in constant longing for another person. Why I am and have been riddled with loneliness for so long. I want a new life.
October 23, 2020
Today I woke up with excitement for life.
November 6, 2020
I feel myself dropping. Dropping into what could be a depressive episode. I’m having bad dreams, confidence issues, anxiety. I’ve been beating myself down and I don’t understand why. I’m trying to escape but these feelings will always follow and I know that. I’m scared. I’m scared about a lot of things. I’m scared that all of this will be for nothing. I’m scared I will spiral into bad habits. I’m scared that I won’t make it. I’m really scared.
November 26? 2020
I don’t know what time it is. I don’t know what day it is. I woke up upset and feeling like I am holding on to my last strings.
December 1, 2020
My journals are filled with hurt, pain, sorrow. I was filled with those feelings so I poured them out, rightfully so. But I no longer wish to only learn through pain. I need to shift my focus on things and beings that bring me peace. Here is an ode to the little things that bring me peace.
Waking up in a state of tranquility, listening to the bird's song. I do not reach for my phone, instead I breathe. I breathe with gratitude for this peaceful moment. I start my day with a warm cup of peppermint tea, watching the sun rise higher and shine brighter. It's brisk so I throw on a sweater and socks. I sit in meditation to then stretch my body. I finish by staring out into the distance. I take a deep breath, close my eyes and think… “I am safe.”
January 5, 2021
“And I don’t think I can ever shrink back to the illusion within me that told me I was small or separate.” - Hitomi Mochizuki, “Un Sueño”
January 22, 2021
I laid on my yoga mat for an extra 20 minutes being swallowed by depression and intrusive thoughts. I’m scared because the thoughts that tell me to disappear are bringing me more relief.
January 29, 2021
When you experience those moments of bliss, fucking run with it. Hold on to it so tight that you’ll be able to think back to that moment in a second. Life is about enjoying the little things like brief moments of serenity or the pulse of little deaths. You’ll need these memories because sometimes they pull you out the deep end when no one else can. They say we shouldn’t live in the past or the future and I understand why. Because the past is only a memory, and the future doesn’t exist so all we have is this present moment. I argue that we need those memories. We can’t throw away all the past because sometimes a recollection is your savior. No one will save you. You have to save yourself. Hold on to those memories when you don’t feel the weight of the world crushing you and nurture it with gratitude. Now the next time you crumble, you’ll be prepared. Search your memory box and remember what life could be like. It’s not all bad. It’s not all good. It simply just is.
February 15, 2021
What am I doing? Who am I trying to be? Who won’t I let myself be? I thought I was doing okay. I thought I’d be happier this way. No matter where I go it’s all the same. It's like a thing … demon … cloud? Latched on to me, watching my every move. This cycle is exhausting.
I thought about setting a date. You know what for. I think about the blissful release. I thought about writing the letters.
February 21, 2021
I haven’t showered in 4 days. I cleaned the house and did laundry but now I wish to sleep. Well to be honest I wish to be free but I’m keeping myself in a cage. I am questioning it all. My life, my reality, my relationships, my purpose. The truth is I have no clue what I’m doing but I’m 19 and I’m just trying to live another day. Just another hour. Just another minute. Just another second. I don’t want to hate life, my position, myself. I want to live and love freely.
February 24, 2021
Today is my first day on medication.
March 1, 2021
I know I am young, but it feels like I’ve been here for an eternity … I am exhausted from all the tears I’ve shed the past 24 hours. I’m so tired.
March 3, 2021
I still have so many pages left in this journal, I tend to wonder when will it end and how? I’ve always imagined someone finding my journals and being captivated by my being. They’ll wonder why I change so often or feel so much. They’ll wonder what I look like or if I’m even still alive.
Sometimes I get caught up in thought that I go blind. I believe to be trapped in an inescapable illusion. I forget the meaning of life and my worth. Those moments get scary but a pen and paper save me.
March 6, 2021
Today I was thinking about how polarizing I am. I am so many different beings in one body. Some days I want to hurt myself. Other days I honor myself. Some days I am free. Other days I’m trapped. I thought about this because I almost fell into the idea that I can fix or cure myself in a month. I know it doesn’t work this way but I fall into these thoughts. I want to hurt myself right now and go into yoga. Isn’t it ironic?
March 11, 2021
Recently, life has felt like poetry. All the pain and all the joy, it feels poetic in my bones.
March 25, 2021
I feel intune with myself. I know I need to reset so I give myself that. I know when I need movement so I do that. I know when I need to get work done so I make time for that. Falling into alignment is a beautiful thing to experience. I’m learning to not have a care in the world and fully be me. I will dance in the woods and walk barefoot. I don’t care who sees me anymore or who hears me sing, I am me. I will embrace the entirety of my being.
P.S. I think I should get a hoola hoop
April 4, 2021
I don’t believe all pain has meaning. I don’t think there is a reason for everything in your life, that's not to say that life is without reason. I also don’t believe the idea that God won’t give you something you can’t handle. I think, in fact, the divine source does give you pain and suffering that is bigger than you. But the end goal isn’t to see if you get through it but to experience it. I say this because that's what this all is, an experience. The human experience can be used to create reason and/or meaning but that is not the end goal. To be honest, no one truly knows what the goal is, if there is any end to it. The human experience is subjective. So with pain, sometimes it will make you or it will take you, and I’m not taking away anyone's meaning with pain. What I do want is to abolish the idea of “passing” or “failing” in this life. I hate the idea that if you can’t get through a deeply emotional state, you’ve failed. Life is not a test; your perfectionist ego has made it seem that way. Everything is an experience, with no right or wrong. This life is meant to be messy, fun, loving and painful, yet all we have to do is experience.
June 20, 2021
I was born 20 years ago. I’m pretty emotional right now because these past 3-4 years have been my hardest and I truly didn’t know if I’d make it to 20. I made myself a birthday candle charged with love, to honor my 20th year of life. This is a whole new chapter and it’s going to be a good one. Happy birthday Ariel.
July 24, 2021
I’m learning patience with myself above everybody else. I’m done questioning who I am, for real this time. I’m just allowing myself to be. Renaissance Woman.
About the Author
Ariel Moscat (she/her) is a latinx second generation American writer. As a witchcraft practitioner and spiritualist she focuses on diving into the world of the occult and sharing their stories. Along with that, she enjoys writing personal essays and short story fiction. Ariel is a certified bookworm, tree-hugger, and anime lover.