The Difficulty of Making Friends as an Adult

In school you’re so used to routine, waking up at a particular time, finishing at a specific time and knowing you will see the same people every day. 

You form a camaraderie with your classmates, whether that goes beyond the classroom or not is between you and them. But seeing them every day does make it easier for these friendships to continue to blossom. 

We don’t get this privilege as adults. We’re not bound to the confines of these spaces where chatter amongst students echoes the school classroom and halls. We’re simply left to our own devices, and it’s scary. 

Making friends as an adult is scary. 

From personal experience, I'm lucky to still be friends with some people I grew up with. I may have lost some along the way, but there are a few friends still out there that I continue to have a connection with. It’s not easy though to maintain these friendships. 

As an adult, we start to realise that time is precious even in our 20s and especially during the COVID climate. The pandemic had placed a strain on building relationships and maintaining them. Conversations occurred through the phone or computer, and we had lost the luxury to see our loved ones in person. 

I argue that it’s in our early 20s when our true coming of age occurs. Your first few years after high school are the most solidifying. It’s during these particular years that you realise more about yourself outside of the daily routine of school—whether that be how you dress, present yourself, what you value and which relationships you wish to maintain once you no longer see your schoolmates every day. 

I think the most liberating part for me was being able to buy my own clothes and be more in tune with a style I enjoyed. It gave me a stronger sense of self expression, and it made me feel a lot better about myself both mentally and physically. 

However, when it comes to friendships, some of them after school simply fizzle out—I’ve had this happen to me. There’s no malice, no falling out; they just simply fade. You might have them on social media, but you don’t expect a message from them any time soon. 

Some relationships continue to withstand—as I previously said, I'm lucky to have this. My best friend is someone I've known since kindergarten. 

But making new friends as an adult is far from easy—and maintaining the ones you already have is just as difficult. 

My first semester at university was probably the loneliest I’ve felt for a long time. I look back on that time somehow and wonder why I felt this way. I still had my two best friends from school, so it wasn’t like I was alone. But for some reason, walking onto those campus grounds, sitting in a lecture room and seeing everyone huddled within groups and conversing, felt somewhat isolating. 

I’m an introverted person so sometimes I strive on alone time, but eating lunch every day by myself at school was somewhat debilitating. I felt I was truly missing out on the university experience, and my biggest problem was that I was too scared to put myself out there initially.

Someone once told me that if your only friends are people you knew from school, you hadn’t changed much as a person. It was even more grating to hear this considering my two best friends were people I had known since I was young.

But I don’t think that statement is true, it is possible for you and your friends to grow as people —individually or together. This might not always be the case, but it is possible. 

Eventually, university became an exciting experience for me. I made friends, and we hung out before class, after and in-between. It was nice to have people I could sit with during lectures. During this time, I felt more comfortable putting myself out there. 

I often needed someone to approach me first but I went out of my way to engage more in conversation in class. I started going out more to clubs and bars, places I didn’t often go to before university. I was bringing my two best friends on campus to meet my uni friends. I was, in general, more social than I had been in a long time. For a shy and introverted person, I was pleased with myself. 

The 2019 movie Booksmart has a particular quote that resonated with me when I initially watched it, “I spent the majority of my 20s overcompensating for the fact that I never had fun in high school.” 

This rang true to me, not because I didn’t have fun in high school. I adored every minute I had with my group of friends, but I truly felt I was within my own bubble and while I did mingle with the other students in my cohort, I didn’t put myself out there enough.

I’m a shy person by nature, but I have allowed this shyness to pull me back at times. 

So making friends at university was something I saw as an achievement initially. I look back now and think it’s something that shouldn’t be seen that way. People aren’t trophies that you put on a shelf and say “I’m glad I’ve got this.” It’s lovely having friends, and it’s a good feeling to make a new one you can instantly click with. At the end of the day, they’re people who are in your life, and they can stay or they can go.

Having friends doesn’t also make you any less lonely. It is possible to have all the friends in the world and still feel this way. I still have my bouts of loneliness.

But that happens, and it doesn’t necessarily mean things are wrong. Sometimes you have friends you can share your deepest thoughts with, others you see once every few weeks or months, and you pick up where you left off. This is something I’ve learnt over the past few years since high school.

Making friends as an adult may be difficult or hard to maintain, but it isn’t impossible.

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Amy Tonta
​Staff Writer

Amy Tonta is a freelance writer from Australia with a Bachelor of Media and Communications. Having studied film as a major, she’s a TV and movie enthusiast who falls in love with fictional characters a little too easily. Writing has always been her passion since she was young, first holding a great interest in narrative writing to then gaining an avid love for media analysis. Her essays are often through a cultural lens, particularly in terms of representation and identity. When she isn’t writing or analysing something she’s watched, she’s constantly drinking coffee or matcha, streaming story based video games and taking months to finish one novel.