My name is Red and I was raised by many wonderful lesbians in the city of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. I am queer, non-binary, and non-monogamous. I have always had a passion for sexual education and liberation, whether that be me educating my middle school class on safer sex practices in the midst of abstinence-only education, or dancing naked in the rain. I identify as a slut, and I honor that identity by being true to myself and my needs and continuing to explore all the beautiful and goofy ways to connect with others. I am far from perfect at this, I am in this journey with you. I look forward to sharing my stories, hopefully you can learn a thing or two from my experiences. Thank you for trusting me with your questions and curiosities.
Be Safe & Have fun
Red (All Pronouns)
Connecting to the Gay Community While Trans
Hi! I am a pre-t trans guy, and I am attracted to men. How can I respectfully get involved in gay spaces without feeling like an intruder?
First off, you are NOT an intruder. You are a gay man! You have every right to these gay masc spaces (if you want to be in them!). There unfortunately will be some gay men who will be undereducated and will not fully accept you being in the space. This is the doing of the cis-patriacrchy and it’s their fucking loss. Weeding these people out will allow you the space to be with and love the people who are there for you in your beautiful entirety! There also are people who are attracted to parts rather than gender. There’s nothing wrong with people being attracted to parts, it's just sad and inconvenient. It can feel invalidating; the human mind just sucks sometimes!
“You cannot control how other people feel around your presence, you can only choose to be the best, most authentic version of yourself you can be.” -- Demian Haze
When I identified as a transmasculine, I found myself more drawn to “queer” spaces than “gay masc” spaces. Often times in spaces with mostly cis-men, I felt like I had to constantly be educating and fighting to “prove” I belonged. It was exhausting. I would recommend also looking into some trans gay masc specific groups!
One of my dearest friends, Demian Haze, is a trans man who spends a lot of time in cis gay male spaces. From Grindr to Gay Sex Clubs, he says there is always a person there who wants to spend time with him and treats him like he belongs. I had a beautiful conversation with him about this topic and wanted to share his wise words:
“Cis gay men are often put into the stereotype that they are penis-loving sex maniacs, and while that can be true for some, there are cis gay men who love and adore the AFAB body of the trans man in every stage of transition. The chest, in any shape, and the under-breast scars if one chooses to remove them. The thighs, at any size, and the hair either there or not. Some cis gay men love trans men because trans men were not given their role as a man through birth, they discovered it through a journey with gender or any means their epiphany came to them. A man who loves all men is a truly beautiful being. We often don't think cis gay men can enjoy the full spectrum of genders of their partners, but what better part to being gay is there than embarking through the vast world of different people to love and explore?”
Crossroads of sexual vs emotional attraction, a dilemma by me :0
Hey Red, I wanted to know how you found out your emotional attraction vs sexual attraction, I think hearing other people’s experiences will help me with mine. I’m fumbled between emotional attraction and sexual attraction. I like some folks but only in one way? Others in the other. Any advice on what to do when I wanna feel both so it would be easier on settling down?
I always thought of attraction being split into 4 categories: romantic, platonic, sexual, and sensual. All of my relationships could be a mix of any number of those! I have some romantic friendships that are not sexual, sexual relationships that are not romantic, sensual attraction but not sexual…it can get confusing when you put it down on paper.
What I'm getting at is, we get to choose the way our relationships with people are and what they hold! We get to set the rules and boundaries of what we want. It’s okay and natural to have relationships where we only feel one of those ways!
It’s important to note that we cannot force ourselves to feel any emotion. It's not possible and also cruel to ourselves and others involved.
I once dated someone who I was romantically attracted to and not sexually attracted to. I learned I needed to be clear about how I felt, even if I wish I felt another way. They were beautiful, funny, and loving, so why did I not want to have sex them? I felt like something was wrong with me. I put myself into a sexual situation with them, hoping that my body would adjust, but it ended up harming us both in the end. I wish I communicated sooner about how I felt, maybe then we could have cultivated a loving non-sexual relationship that met some of the wants we both had.
That can also be an emotionally hard place to put someone in. When someone has these strong emotional and sexual feelings towards us, and we can only reciprocate in one of those ways, that can hurt. As the person on the other end, we would have the duty to give them the space and time they may need. We also must understand that it might be too painful or uncomfortable for them to continue a relationship with us, we cannot demand that they continue to invest in us emotionally when we can’t meet their needs.
I’m interested in what you mean when you say “settle down.” When I hear that, I think of finding a life partner. In my experience, if you want to find someone to build a serious relationship with, you can’t find them--rather, you have to wait and then the universe will bring these special people to us. You also don’t need to “settle down” if you don’t want to! There are many ways to have fulfilling serious relationships with people who don’t meet both categories, or wait until you find the person who does!
Attraction is so very confusing! I don’t think anyone in the world has a solid grasp on it, and if there is someone who does, I would love to meet them. The best we can do is openly communicate and follow what our bodies and hearts tell us they need!